


Bless My Heart, It's A Dick Pic!

by EvenEth13



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: America’s Ass, Chris Evan’s Dick Pic, Deckerstar - Freeform, Dick Pics, Did I Mention This Is A Story About Chris Evan’s Penis?, F/M, Friends Dinner, Fun, Guard That Pussy?, Laughter, Lucifer being Bi, cuteness, girls night, playing around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27884560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvenEth13/pseuds/EvenEth13
Summary: Ladies night takes a rather rated R turn when a certain actor accidently leaks a video of his camera roll.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 12
Kudos: 84





	Bless My Heart, It's A Dick Pic!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going through my drafts and cleaning house. Found this funny little one-shot from September. I think I didn't post it because I was unsure if it was appropriate... Months later, it's safe to say I can post it now. Have a laugh, it's girls night!

Maze came running into the room with her phone in hand. Linda was caught off guard as her best friend shoved the large screen into her face. Unable to catch what was shown, Linda pulled the phone back a little. 

“You won’t believe what this human has just done! Linda look, look!” Maze kept shoving the phone up in the doctor’s face. 

“Maze! Relax…” she pushed the phone away once again and allowed Maze to gently place the phone in her hand. 

“I recorded it, I know how you humans like to delete stuff after you accidentally post embarrassing stuff. This one is amazing! It’s that superhero you like so much!” 

Linda scrunched her face up confused as why Maze would be excited about something Chris Evans had just posted. She looked over the video and shook her head as it ended. She didn’t see anything off about it. 

“I don’t understand… what am I looking at?” 

Chloe walked over into the living room and sat besides Linda, she wanted to be included in the conversation. Maze replayed the video once more while having the biggest smile on her face. Chloe watched closely and once she saw her hand went straight to her mouth to hide a gasp. 

“No! Oh my God! Is that his?” She grabbed the phone from Linda’s hand and replayed the video. 

“What? Wait, what am I missing?” Linda moved over and looked at the video once more. Chloe’s mouth shot open in shock. Maze started clapping her hands as Linda had still failed to register what Maze had just recorded. 

Ella came rushing into the room with her phone glued to her face. A rant of noncoherent words rushed out of her mouth as she tried fanning herself. 

“Woo wee! And I thought his ass was huge.”

“What! What am I missing!” Linda called out. She was upset she was the last to know.

“Linda the picture on the bottom right.” Chloe replayed the video and showed Linda. 

As soon as she registered the picture, she pulled the phone right out of Chloe’s hands and giggled with excitement. 

“Oh no! No, no, no, no!” she rambled out. 

“Yes, yes, yes, yes! God made a good one,” Maze responded back. 

“Did he do this accidentally? I’m not complaining, but does he know he just uploaded a video off his camera roll?” Chloe asked. Maze shrugged her shoulders and took a seat besides Chloe. 

“No idea, but I’m keeping this,” she pressed play once more and drooled over the video. 

Ella collapsed onto the sofa besides Linda with heart eyes. She was in Heaven and there was nothing that could ruin her night. 

“That poor man. Oh my Lord.” 

Although the doctor was feeling sympathy for the actor she pulled the phone back over to her and played the video. Chloe and Maze laughed as Linda took in the video once more. The pair laughed as Linda kept replaying the video over and over. 

“I screenshot the picture, swipe right Linda.” 

You didn’t have to ask Linda twice, her finger had a mind of its own. All the women huddled around Linda and had a look for themselves. 

“That’s a good penis…” Maze voiced. 

“That’s American’s penis…” Linda said. Everyone nodded their heads in approval. 

Ella and Chloe stayed silent on both sides of Linda just staring at the photo. 

“Don’t you think this is invading his privacy just a little?” Chloe asked. “I mean, he did this on accident obviously. He’s too high profile to post that on purpose.”

“So what! The man had a dick pic in his gallery, he was sending it to someone. No man keeps a photo of their penis and doesn’t intend to send it to someone.” Maze looked over to Chloe. She knew Lucifer was famous for dropping dick pics, they both knew. All women nodded their heads in agreement. 

“Is he dating anyone?” Linda asked. Ella shrugged her shoulders and pulled a pillow up to her chest. 

“I heard he was dating that british chick, Lily James.”

“Lily James? Wasn’t she dating that Doctor guy. Uh, what’s his name,” the name wasn’t popping up for Linda, “oh! That syfy show!” It was bugging her. 

“Doctor who?” Ella responded. 

“Yes!” she handed the phone back over to Maze. “I thought she was dating him.”

“No, I think they broke up awhile ago,” Chloe clarified. 

“Eh, who cares? This man literally has nothing to be ashamed of,” Maze kept looking at the photo. “It’s weird… it’s like the longer you look at it, the thicker it gets…”

All three women turn to Maze and down to the phone. Maze hands the phone back over and shows the three other women. 

“It’s like an optical illusion…” They all say at once. They all start laughing together. 

“What’s that picture up there?” Chloe says pointing to the top middle photo. “What does it say?”

Maze zooms in and smiles. In pink lettering, at the bottom of a photo. Chris Evans himself, reads the words, Guard That Pussy. All the women turn into a fit of laughter. 

Right as all four of them are laughing their asses off, Amenadiel, Lucifer, and Dan walk into the apartment. The laughter ceases immediately and all women look over at the men like they’ve been caught with a dirty secret. 

“At ease ladies, no need to stop your laughter on our accord,” Lucifer reassured. 

Fed up with looking at leaked photos, Chloe stood up from the couch and walked over to Lucifer. 

“Please tell me you don’t have a collection of dick pics in your photo gallery,” she asked. 

Intrigued as to how this conversation started, Lucifer spun around and faced the Detective.

“Would I get in trouble if I said, yes?” he showed hesitation to give her a full out answer. 

“I suppose not, it is your body…”

“Now if they weren’t mine?” he joked. 

He watched as Chloe’s face dropped in shock. 

“Kidding! Kidding dear.” He went ahead and placed a kiss on her cheek. As she returned to the group, he snapped his fingers signalling Dan to hand him his phone. With ease, Dan pulled Lucifer’s phone out of the take-out bags and over to his companion. 

“What were you ladies doing while we were gone?” asked Amenadiel. 

“Nothing!” Linda and Ella called out. 

“Looking at a male’s penis,” Maze blurted out. 

“Oh… well uh, was it…” he was having a hard time trying to make small talk with that topic. 

“Stop right there, don’t, just don’t finish that conversation,” Lucifer said. 

“Why were you guys looking at penises?” Dan whispered to Chloe. 

“Maze… she was showing us…” the room was quiet, everyone’s eyes were on them. 

“I was showing them Chris Evan’s shlong,” Maze cried out. “You’d like this one,” she walked over to Lucifer and handed her phone over. 

“Ooo, hand it over.”

“Maze no!” Chloe called out. 

“What? I can’t partake in your viewing party? I’ll have you know I’ve seen quite a bit of…”

“Dude, come on, we’re about to eat,” Dan said. 

“Fine.”

Lucifer winked towards Maze. He handed the phone back to Maze and whispered for her to text it to him. The demon was already on the job. 

Amenadiel finished pulling out the boxes from the bags and placed the food on the table. 

“Alright everyone, food is ready. Ladies first of course.”

Ella and Maze rushed over to the table and started helping themselves to the food the men brought with them. Chloe stuck by Lucifer and watched him go through his phone. 

“Thank you for never sending me an unsolicited dick picture…”

“I’d never send it if you didn’t want one, Detective.”

“That’s nice to know… not many men take that into consideration.”

“Well as you’ve figured out I’m not like other men,” he came from the back and wrapped his arms around her. 

“That is very true.” She let her arms wrap over Lucifer’s as she waited for the line to thin down so she could make herself a plate. Lucifer’s head rested on her shoulder just appreciating her closeness. “You know what?”

“What’s that?” 

“I wouldn’t mind… a picture.” She wasn’t sure why she said it, but just the thought of having a little secret with Lucifer sparked an excitement. Lucifer turned towards her neck, she couldn’t see his facial features. 

“Is that so?” He pulled her close and placed a kiss on her neck. “I’m going to hold you to that statement you know?”

“Please do... Just promise me you won’t do it at work though!” She whispered. 

“Oh, I’m most definitely doing it at work.”

He walked them forward like two penguins towards the table. Their conversation stopped there as they joined the group and started making themselves a plate.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Uploading small chapters I never uploaded because I'm shit at editing in time. AND I kinda promised these stories awhile ago. I'll be posting small one-shots until Devil In Your Soul gets ch 32 posted. Bare with me ha.


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